Friendship

What is friendship? I have come to learn that many have different opinions on what friendship is. Webster's 1828 dictionary defines friendship as:

An attachment to a person, proceeding from intimate acquaintance, and a reciprocation of kind offices, or from a favorable opinion of the amiable and respectable qualities of his mind. Friendship differs from benevolence, which is good will to mankind in general, and from that love which springs from animal appetite. True friendship is a noble and virtuous attachment, springing from a pure source, a respect for worth or amiable qualities. False friendship may subsist between bad men, as between thieves and pirates. This is a temporary attachment springing from interest, and may change in a moment to enmity and rancor.

How many of us have friendships that are like the thieves and pirates? Are our friendships just there when it is convenient, comfortable, or of our benefit? In todays world we have social websites where we can connect with people from the past, present, and make future friends. How much of these sites are really looking for the spot to fill our gossip jars? Someone I know put her status message as "good morning stalkers" due to the feeling of being watched by so many however few talk, and engage as a true friend would. How often do we log on to these sites just to see what is going on with someone else? What are posting these status messages about?

Another aspect of a friendship is to be there for each other in a time of need. When a friend is going through a hard spot in life, whether it is something that you can relate to or not we should be there as a support, and if you don't know what to say to them you can always ask "What do I need to say? What can I do."

As christians we are to have fellowship with each other. We are to gather as like minded christians and encourage one another. When was the last time you went up to someone at church you didn't know and introduced yourself, and even went as far as to invite them over for lunch? Who knows what that person may be going through. Maybe inviting them over for lunch will make their year!

A friend is someone you know you can trust to be there for you when life gets hard. When you are struggling with your place in God's plan, your inner thoughts, your inner struggles. Someone that you know will grieve with you when you are grieving, and laugh with you when you laugh. Are you that type of friend to someone? Do you grieve when your friends grieve, do you laugh when your friends laugh, do you get on your knees and thank God for the people He has put in your life? Do you pray for these friends as if you were praying for yourself?

God has blessed all of us with friends in our lives. Friends are there to encourage, build up, love and watch out for one another. Again I ask are you that type of friend to someone?

Religion Vs. Relationship

Did you know the bible calls us to be modest? Not just in our clothing but in our conversations and behaviors also. Did you know that just because you wear long skirts, you are not more holy than the next person? (No I'm not saying long skirts are bad) Yes the God has rules for how we should act, speak, and dress however if you are doing everything to the T but missing the personal relationship then all of your efforts are in vain. Without praying, searching out who God is, searching the heart of Jesus and knowing more about Him you are not going to get anywhere fast. Jesus said in order to know the difference between a Christian and a fake you need to look at their fruit. Ok no we are not trees, you can not pick cherries off our fingers but the fruit of our lives. You can take that literally and say their children, or you can look at it and say their behaviors and attitudes. If you are living your life for Jesus there are things you will not be doing. One of them would be dressing like a hoochie mama. (I have no idea if I spelled that one right. It doesn't seem to be in my spell check. Ha ha) Another would be lying, or stealing.

Children as fruit: You can tell a lot about how people parent by watching their children for 5 min. One thing is small children have not learned to control their tongues so things just come out. Second I firmly believe that a child will only get away with what the parent allows. I'm not saying the child will only do things that they are allowed I am saying they will only "get away with what they are allowed". If you tell a child they can not have something and they right away end up in a melted pile of mush on the ground screaming and yelling it is obvious that the parent has allowed it. Of course when this happens in public the parent is embarrassed. But what if the parent at home does not allow that behavior. The first time that child displays that type of behavior if the parent deals with it swiftly and sternly there is a greater chance of it not happening in public. I have a very strict rule in my home. It is "if it is not cute when they are 15 then it is never cute". Things like playing with food, jumping on furniture or throwing a fit. You can not allow it then suddenly ohh you are 5 now you can't do that anymore. It is much wiser to just never allow bad behavior. Ok sorry tangent. Back to fruit. If you children are obedient, helpful, respectful, and caring your "fruit" is something that will show others where your heart is. If your "fruit" is destroying things, hurting others and being a pain all the time then it is showing how you parent and the fruit is just not there.

If you are reading your bible, searching for the true heart of God, all of the fruit comes. You don't have to do anything to impress others, or try to make them believe you are holy. When you die God is not going to ask your friends if you were holy or not. HE KNOWS!!! Someone I know became a Christian a few months ago. One of her prayers were "God I'm not going to change your going to have to change me." When she told me this I laughed so hard. That is what a Christian is, someone who changes from being a part of this world in to someone more like God. Since that prayer this person has changed soooo much!!! HUGE leaps and bounds. When you seek Him you become more like Him. You will start to dislike things of this world that previously didn't bother you. If God tells you to only wear long skirts fine but don't just do it because you think you are closer to God for it.

(Yes I'm picking on the long skirts however I mean no harm they are not bad they are just my example. I do wear long skirts most of the time. They are very comfortable, and many grow with the ever changing belly every year or so!!)

We have had some big things happen in the last month or so. A child we knew something was wrong with but couldn't figure out what because she was smart, and all the behaviors didn't seem to add up has been diagnosed autistic. We are waiting on a appointment with a specialist to hopefully learn what we can do to help her function better, and help her learn easier.

We switched every bedroom in our house around! My craft room is still feeling the pain from this venture. I have many things that still need a home but God will have to provide the time to do that later, right now does not seem to be the right time.

After 14 years I found family I had been looking for. We are pretty sure of what I thought. Now we are just waiting for the DNA test results. (Did you know you can buy DNA tests at Walgreens?) This in itself has been interesting. Introducing new family after 31 years is interesting. Don't bother asking me how I feel about it cause I honestly don't know. Right now I'm just rolling with it.

The baby is crawling, waving, saying ma ma and da da. Today she got herself "stuck" again. However for the first time she crawled backwards to get herself out. She also figured out how to crawl onto the bottom part of the end table. She loves to chase people around in her walker. I think her favorite part is running over our toes!!! I don't think anyone is ever ready for a crawling baby. Crawling will soon mean walking. She is already doing good at holding fingers and walking. Her first teeth seem to be getting close to emerging also. I can't believe how fast she is growing up.

Yesterday my girls woke up all itchy. There were lots of bumps all over their legs. Especially in the back of the knee. We watched the bumps all day and by bedtime there were twice as many. They have the chicken pox! I have no idea where they got it from. My boys seem fine. The baby doesn't have any spots, but has been fussy. I can't tell if it is teething, or she doesn't feel good. We will be having a pox party for any and all that would like to attend. The little boy came down the stairs asking the girls "Where is the chicken pox. Give me the chicken pox!"

Last night one of my girls woke up "starving" so she made herself some bread and peanut butter. I stayed up with her and I cut up some cantaloupe while I waited for her to be ready for bed again. Then she told me she wanted to do her spelling. It was 2 am!! I informed her it could wait till morning. But she had it in her head that she HAD to do her spelling. After trying to explain it to her I could see that it was more of an internal "I have to do my spelling now" than a I want. So she did her spelling. 20 min and about 50 yawns later we were off to bed again only for it to be time to nurse the baby. I'm beginning to believe that sleep is not actualy necessary for moms. We somehow seem to have a superhuman ability to stay awake long hours, and somehow function the rest of the day. I did have an idea today. If I just tape my eyes open my children will actually think that I am fully awake!

So that is just a small update on our crazy family. In the middle of lots of changes, stressful times, and just plain crazy we are enjoying each other as a family. Playing together doing chores together, and learning together. I think the together part is the most important part. I'm off to go make some food! Food is just as good as sleep right??? =)

Perception

Many put much effort into how they are perceived. Some wear lots of make-up to hide what they feel are imperfections. Some people color their hair to look a certain way. Some people are dressed to the 9's and look perfect when they go out. The way we look, dress, speak, and behave are all ways that give others impressions of us.

No matter what you do people are going to have an impression. But what kind of impression are you giving them? I once had someone surprised when they came over that I was willing to show them my house that was untidy. I thought it was odd to be embarrassed about my house. I thought "Yes it is messy right now, I would like it to be clean but what is there to be embarrassed about? God already saw it!" I don't clean my house so others will be impressed. I clean my house because I am uncomfortable when the house is messy. I get easily agitated when things are messy. When company is coming over I prefer my kitchen to be clean at least because who wants to eat at some ones house when their kitchen is a mess. I'm not talking just dirty dishes but when the kitchen is gross, no one wants that.

No one is perfect. I have proof! God said so! Jesus was the only sinless man on earth, and even Christ didn't throw the first stone! Why as a society do we judge others so harshly. When we perceive that others do something better than us we are intimidated. Everyone is going to do something better than you. It may be cooking, cleaning, writing, crafts, or whatever. God gave us all different gifts. God made you perfect for your family. God knows you are not good at crafts, or writing, or public speaking. That is ok! You have strengths in something else. You may cook well, or play piano beautifully. You have all the tools you need to be the mom God wants you to be. So instead of picking on people for their weaknesses we should all encourage each other in our strengths.

I'm sure everyone can come up with a time when even their strengths were weak due to changes in life, or pure exhaustion. Every life has seasons. Not everyone will be in the same season at the same time. Enjoy where you are. Spend your time being who you are. Trying to impress others is time consuming, and exhausting. Plus the one you need to answer to is God and He already knows your strengths and weaknesses. He created them!

It is well with my soul

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.


It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.


Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.


It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.


My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!


It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.


And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.


It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

This is one of the hymns we sang yesterday at church. This is one of my favorite songs, however I am not sure that I ever really stopped to think about the words. What does it mean for it to be "well with my soul". Am I ok with God's plan or am I still trying to control it all.

Life has not been easy for me lately. There have been a few things that have thrown a wrench in MY plans. Of course these things are no surprise to God. Just as I thought things were finding a new normal several new revelations have appeared that may have a large impact on my family. Time will tell how this plays out but for the moment I am put in a very unique position. I have have 2 ways things could go and both will change my life in some way.

So while trying to sort out all the changes, and trials in my life right now I find myself wanting to complain. I know my closest friends would probably say I am a whiner right now. I have forgotten Job. I have forgotten that no matter what is going on in my life it can always be worse. We have a roof over our heads. I have 5 beautiful children, a wonderful husband, and so much more. What do I really have to complain about? I feel sometimes that I am like my 2 year old who is prone to being upset when he does not get what he wants. Lately he has come up with a new way of dealing with disappointment. He will come to me and ask for something like some candy. When I tell him no he responds with "awwww" in his cute little voice. Then moves on. No whining complaining, or fits. Just a simple "awww" then deals with it. I strive to be like my 2 year old in this area. I want to just say awww and then be able to deal with the fact that what I planned is not alway what God planned.

So God created the universe. God has numbered every hair on my head. God loves me. God created me. God created my children. Nothing going on right now surprises God. He has a plan. He has the big picture, and I have a tiny port hole view of things. I can only see right in front of me but not to the left and to the right. So I should trust in Him, and sing "it is well with my soul". If I am trusting everything in Him all of these things should be well with my soul. In the mean time I will also remember that Hebrews 11 promises rest at the end of this life. I'm gunna need it!

large family???

I don't feel like we have a big family, but I am constantly reminded how big we are compared to other families. As we are often asked questions like "Do you know what causes that?" and "Are you done yet?". 100 years ago people would have been proud to have a family this size, and so much larger. No we don't have a farm, we live in a subdivision, but we still have chores to do. I think chores build character in children. If children are raised without ever having responsibilities how will they ever learn? They will not one day wake up and say "I would like to start working hard now!" Instead they will either learn the hard way through many failures, or just never get it. I pray my children learn to work hard so they will be prepared for the hard times later in life, and enjoy the good ones even more.

Having a "large" family has brought a few challenges to our home. The average family in America is 1.86 children according to the 2000 census. So guess what homes, and cars are built for. With the invention of the minivan people thought ohh hey this is great it will fit the whole family! Well for us, yes we fit in a minivan however there is zero room to move once you include car seats, and forget about adding groceries! Plus if we have guests we would have to travel in two cars because we would not fit in one vehicle. So we upgraded I'm sure much to my neighbors sadness. =) We now drive around in a 12 passenger van. I love the leg room, the space for my children to move, and the fact that when I put on my turn signal people MOVE!

According to the 2000 US census there are 1.86 children per family. Think about that. There is one mom and one dad. Now if the average family has less than 2 children what is going to happen to the population of the country? Yes people from other countries become citizens all the time. But think about your family line. In just a few generations your family line can completely disappear. That means the heritage of your family will become extinct if this trend continues. And yes I have heard the over population ideas. For anyone that would like to tell me that our country is over populated I encourage you to take a road trip! Please look hard to see if you can possibly find some extra space where a family might be able to fit. I for one have driven across the country a few times. Trust me we are not over populated! And what about jobs if we have more people. Umm HELLO if there are more people then there will be a higher demand for things, and in turn will create more jobs. Just my 2 cents.

Back to my "large" family:

Laundry is another item that is challenging for a "large" family. First of all unless you have a super capacity washer you are in trouble. I have 2 boys that are 4 and 2. They make a mess!!!! So their clothes have to be washed every time they wear them. Plus I have determined boys are gross. My girls can wear a skirt twice before it needs to be washed some days. Not all days but some. They can get messy too! Keeping MT. Laundry under control sometimes takes some effort. The house God gave us had a folding door to a area in the hall that held the washer dryer, and the water heater. Sounds good right? Easy to get to, confined right? So where to you put your dirty stuff? Where do you put all your detergent? In our case we make our own detergent so we have a 5 gallon bucket for it. Our solution was to re-wire, and put new plumbing in the garage, and move the laundry area to the garage. My husband had it done in a day. Now we have an area for our dirty clothes 3 bins, whites, darks, and linens. Plus room for our detergent, and our laundry baskets. Plus no more constant noise from the washer and dryer being on while we are trying to do schoolwork. Spin cycle can be loud!

Now food for a "large" family can be challenging. Big pots, big pans, storage for the food, and then where to put all your supplies. First extra counter space is needed. I have learned that the kitchen table is a great place to do prep work. When making pancakes it can take all day! My solution: 2 griddles. I can now make 10 pancakes at a time! We hardly ever had waffles because it took so long. I found 2 belgium waffle makers on sale. So now it takes 15 min or less to make pancakes or waffles for our family. Half the time it used to. Plus now since we have the empty space in the hall where the washer and dryer were my husband installed shelves and we have a pantry. Or as one of my friends calls it the prayer closet. (The first few times she came over for a meal as I was preparing things I would leave the kitchen and come back with food. Finally she asked where I was getting all the food. I told her I left the room prayed real hard and as I walked back the food appeared. =) Then she followed me and saw our lovely pantry.)

Living in a society where children are not cherished is very challenging. We get many comments of "my your hands are full" and "are they all yours?" from people not realizing how rude they are being. I love to see the looks on their faces when I tell them I homeschool my children and do not have babysitters. Their jaws just about hit the floor. In our society money, status and entertainment are cherished. At the end of the day I have my family to cuddle with, and spend time with. At the end of my life I will be able to say "Wow that was a lot of fun! God blessed me beyond what I could have ever imagined for myself." And I pray now that my children will all be able to look back at their childhood and be able to remember that family is more important than money, status and entertainment. Some things are more challenging but they are soooo worth it!

When everything you work for has to change

For the last 7 years I have been in "fix" mode. My daughter at a young age started displaying strange behaviors. Doctor after doctor told me she was fine. Finally at 14 months old we got her physical birth defect diagnosed, then came the physical therapy, and the hours and hours of exercises to strengthen her body so she could turn a door knob, and put on a shirt.

Ahh relief. For a brief few minutes we were just excited that there was a solution to a problem. However that quickly faded as other behavior issues began to present. Drooling was one of them. After a child is 2 they usually do not keep drooling on themselves. This alone took a lot of my time reminding her to stop drooling. Also bed wetting. Countless hours were spend changing sheets. All of which doctor after doctor told me were normal. Then there was a break through. The physical therapist said "I'm not sure what it is but something is a bit off." I thought what? Someone else finally sees it too! Then the diagnosis seemed to all go along the lines of auditory processing problems. Then after a trip to the pediatrician we found out about absence seizures. I thought all seizures meant you were on the ground convulsing. No not these ones. But it explained all the drooling, and the bed wetting.

By then I had already began testing different things on her. I eliminated MSG from our diet. I could not believe how many foods had it in there. By the time I was done there was nothing in my cabinets but things with one or two ingredients. More and more time and brain power was spent on learning what foods our bodies do best with, herbs, and nutrition. I also noticed that red food coloring had a large impact on her. After the MSG and red food coloring were eliminated the seizures and the drooling seemed to get so much better. I tried so many different things on her. We have tried allergy testing. She has no allergies. We tried heavy metal testing. She is fine. We have not vaccinated her.

Recently she has gotten worse. I'm not sure honestly if she is the same and my level of dealing with it has changed, or if she is really worse. We went back to the neurologist. The type of seizures has changed. She is now having convulsion seizures in her sleep. But this time I also came armed with my "list". I had written down all of her "odd" behaviors. My list was met with a sympathy look from the doctor. I was then handed a questionnaire. I filled it out as carefully as I could. As I read the questions I realized what the test was for. It was a autism questionnaire. When I read the questions and noted how many times I had to check the "all the time" box I knew what the results were going to be before I had finished filling it out. The next day the doctors phone call confirmed what I already knew. She is autistic. Her IQ when it was tested at 3 was well over genius level. It is because of her "smarts" that others, and doctors didn't see anything wrong. Her abilities to repeat information she has heard kinda threw people off of where the focus should have been. Autism is not how much you know but how you interact, and behave. When she has a full blown melt down because one of her toys is touched by someone else that has nothing to do with her "smarts" but it does effect the whole family.

I have spent the last 7 years trying to "fix" her and make her better. I never thought it was one thing that would help but I did think that there was a magical combination of things I could do to make her better. After all it was a "magical combination" of things that fixed the morning sickness so there must be a fix for her too. So now what do I do now that this can't be fixed? There is no magical pill to fix this, or combination. The diets and treatments that people talk of all the time for autism get there children to be better but not perfect. She is already high functioning, and I'm pretty sure it is because of all we have done already. So what do I do now? How do I help her now? I can't fix her so what do I do with her?

We are planing on trying something new so that our house works better, and her frustration levels stay low. She has been very frustrated lately. She will be getting her own room. Her own space. Her own tape. Yes tape is very important to her. She will be able to go to HER space and just be herself. No one touching her things. We hope that this will benefit the whole family. This should bring her frustration level down, and in turn the rest of the family's frustration down. Her bedroom will also be in a spot where it will be much easier for me to keep tabs on her.

So how does one change from fixing mode to dealing with it mode. In our case there is no one thing that caused this. This has always been her. From birth this has been her. Because of her birth defect we know that at 6 weeks gestation, there was a short time that there was a lack of blood flow to her. So I guess that means we are lucky she is here even. I'm pretty sure that has something to do with the way her brain works too. Nothing could have prevented it, and there was probably no real cause for it. Just a freak thing that happened. So now I guess we have to learn how to cope and deal with the cards we are dealt instead of fixing them.

Rebekah's story

Well I guess it is about time for me to write Rebekah's birth story. She is 3 1/2 months old already!

My whole pregnancy I was excited that we were going to have another baby, but I did not know where to have her. My last 2 births were at home in California with a midwife. They were born in a tub, and I couldn't imagine having another baby without having a tub! My first 2 were born in a hospital and due to nurses just not paying attention there were complications.

But now we live in Alabama where it is illegal to have a midwife assist you at home with delivery. It seems crazy to me that I can have a baby at home without a midwife and that is legal, but I would have to break the law if I wanted anyone with expertise to assist. I knew I wanted nothing to do with the hospitals. I was seeing an OB here who from what I have heard from everyone was the most natural doctor of all of them. However he had horrible bedside manner. After each appointment with this man I left angry and upset. I would call a friend after every appointment and rant about it. This was not someone who I wanted when I was in labor anywhere near me. Anger is not the emotion I wanted to feel as I brought a new life into this world.

So I began to calculate how much money it would cost to drive to California, and stay there for a while, plus how much it would cost for the midwives, and living expenses while we were there. Over and over I did the math. Then I realized baby #5 would need a car seat. Our van had enough seats however fitting one more car seat in it would be incredibly tight! I didn't even want to think how we would all drive from California back to Alabama with that many car seats. It seemed very unpleasant! My task at hand was now to find a bigger vehicle. A 12 passenger van used but not trashed is not an easy thing to find! Finally I found a van that I liked, and no matter how many times I looked at other vans I kept coming back to the same one. I decided God had spoken and this was our van. (Same thing happened with the house we live in.) I got more information on it, and made arrangements to go get it in Atlanta 4 hours from our house. I put our old van on craigslist. Within 24 hours we had our van sold, for $1100 more than we were asking for it! After buying the 12 passenger van, warranty, and paying for the rental that we needed one way to go get it we still had enough money to get us to California, and then some.

The plans were all falling into place. Not nearly as fast as I wanted them to go but all in God's timing. My grandmother flew out here the night before our big trip. I began feeling like something was wrong and began to worry about the baby but knew it would all be fine once we got to California. We left October 20th and made it to my midwives on October 28th. We spent a night at a friends house and a few nights in Reno to visit with my mom. By the time we arrived at my chiropractor everything hurt! My ankles were HUGE and my whole body ached. He adjusted just about every joint in my body, then we were off to see the midwives. Children cheering in the van that we were finanly getting to our destination, and they got to see people who they had missed very much. When we got to their house, my children all jumped out and ran leaving me, the youngest and my grandmother to trail behind. I was excited to finally have someone to take care of me and my baby that loved both of us and was not just another patient for them to see. At that point they told me the baby may be breach but was not sure yet. I was to do all of my exercises and REST! At that point I am pretty sure I laughed. Resting with 4 young children and my husband 2500 miles away for 6 more weeks. I didn't see rest happening any time soon.

Days past fairly quickly. We filled our days with old friends and our old homeschool group. Since we were staying about an hour from the midwives, and our friends the days we saw friends, it was an all day adventure. Walking became very difficult, and my heartburn became unbearable. When we went back to the midwife they were sure she was breach. At that point I knew what the worry about the baby was. She was not positioned correctly.

Homeopathics were given, exercises, and convincing the baby she was not where she needed to be. Then she turned. What a sick feeling I had while she turned and then there was RELIEF! I could breathe, the heartburn was gone, and walking was better. Her heart rate was perfect, she dropped down into my pelvis and went to sleep. She seemed like she was much more comfortable too!

My husband arrived in early Dec. just in time for the big snow storm to hit. We were in the foothills so we got lots of snow. Over 8 inches. It was enough for an area that just gets a light dusting once a year to snow us in! The power went off all day. But the children loved it. I took the youngest out to play and was worried he would slip on the iced stairs. I fell! I hit the stairs so hard. My leg and foot were all bruised because I made sure not to fall on my toddler, or my belly. The baby seemed to be ok, she didn't move for a bit but was sleeping when I had fallen. I had a doppler so I had my husband get it and we checked her heartbeat and she was fine, just sleeping. A bit later she woke and was moving just like she should. A few days later we went to the chiropractor and found out I had jammed my leg up into my hip, and messed up my wrist, and ankle. All of that was adjusted and I was back to normal with just a bit of bruising left.

1 week before christmas I began to start getting restless. I wanted my baby in my arms. My due date was the 29th. My 3rd child was 3 weeks early so in my mind I was thinking ok baby lets go! We went shopping and I was having lots of contractions. They were 5 min appart and pretty strong but they were only 30 -45 seconds long. We finished our shopping then headed home in hopes of meeting our new family member that night. The contractions kept up and I went to bed and thought I would be woken up at some point in the middle of the night by them. I woke up at 7am the next morning. Still having contractions but not as strong. They finaly stopped around 3 in the afternoon. I was disspointed but thought thats ok it will start again soon. Contractions came and went many times. With each contraction my patience slipped away and my smile began to fade.

Christmas day came the children were all excited family was over, and no baby. It was a very sad day for me. There were presents under the tree for Rebekah and she was not in my arms yet. All the christmas pictures had 4 children instead of 5 in them. I just felt as if my whole family was not there. I was begining to get very irritable. When one family asked if it was time yet I replied with "I will let you know when I see a head!"

A few days after Christmas we talked with the midwives and they reminded me that the dream that I had for her. In my dream my labor did not start until the 30th. I began to loose hope. Something strange happens when you have contractions for days. I do not know if it is hormones or just being tired but I get very sad. The 29th, I lost it. I stood crying in the shower that my baby was never going to come out. I wanted to badly to hold her and kiss her but I couldn't. On the 30th I wouldn't get out of bed. My husband snuck out of the house and called the midwives. He explained I was done! I talked with Kaleem on the phone and she asked me "Are you ready to have this baby yet?" I though of course I am get her out! But then realized I was not really ready to go through labor. I had been getting nervous each time the contractions got strong. Fear had set in. I did not want fear to be any part of this labor or birth. I had birthed my 3rd child in fear and it was very very painful. My 4th child there was no fear and it was a wonderful birth. I hung up the phone with her and prayed and thought about it for a bit. I realized I had to go through it no matter what and got the feeling that God was saying "now or never." So now it was!

I called Kaleem back and told her I'm ready lets go. She gave me a list of things to do and told me they would be at the house at 10pm. I called my friend who with her daughter were planning on being at the birth. I told them to come at 10pm. I took a shower, and got things ready. At 3pm I began taking the concoctions I was told to take. I took them and sat on the birth ball and spent time with my family until about 8pm. We put the children to bed and I began to walk and take my concoctions. My friend and her daughter showed up around 10:30 pm. By then the contractions were coming very regularly. I was eating and walking around the living room. With each contraction I had to stop and lean on something. I began to count in my head with each contraction then I would continue walking. Then I needed my husband to help support me with each contraction. I counted and focused on a speck on the floor. At that point I decided the midwives were taking to long and had my husband call to see where they were. They were happy to know we were checking on them because they knew labor had begun. The midwives were only about 10 min away. They showed up a bit after 11.

I had my friend bring me a towel and the birth ball so I could lay on it with my knees on the ground. I labored like that until the midwives were there, and ready to check me. I was so excited and scared at the same time. The number they were about to tell me was going to tell me how much farther I had to go. I knew how much work my body had already done. Now I just needed to know how much more to do. Marlene checked me and told me I was doing good. "What number I need a number" I told her. She said "six". Ohhh the relief. It was not 8 but I would take 6. I know the hard part for my body was getting to 6. I began asking how long it took with the rest of my births. Micah was about 4 hours, Ben was about 3 hours. I thought ok so another 3 hours and I will have baby sounds good! I continued to labor on the ball with my husband helping to support me. All of a sudden I told Marlene I want in the tub. It was getting harder to deal with the contractions and I knew the tub would be the answer to my pain.

They began filling the tub, and that is when the hot water heater decided it didn't want to keep up! So off to taking every pot we had in the house and boiling water. Lots and lots of water boiling. I went to the bathroom and felt a huge desire to push. I kept thinking no not yet, not on the toilet! I gave a few small pushes and the desire to push went away, but the pain eased a bit. I got in the tub and suddenly the pain was nothing! I remember talking with Marlene and telling her it didn't hurt anymore it was just pressure. "I can do this!" I told her. She replied with the same smile she has when she sees a baby for the first time and tells me "That's all labor is, is pressure" The contractions began to get harder, and harder until the no longer felt like simple pressure but strong pressure. I got very sleepy and began to sleep between contractions. I could no longer count out loud so I would move my hand and Marlene would count for me as I stared at her. Suddenly I realized I was very close to seeing my baby. I had my friend get the other 4 children up. They all came bounding in with huge grins.

I began to feel a bit like pushing but not the overwhelming feeling to push. I checked and had just a bit of a lip of my cervix left. Marlene then told me we needed to break my water and it would be gone. Once my water broke I had to push! Marlene told me to wait a few contractions but I told her "No she is coming out NOW!" I gave one big push and could feel that she had moved down. The next contraction I pushed out her head. Ohhhh the relief! I felt wonderful for abut 10 seconds. Then decided no this hurts! I then told my husband to pull her out. I knew very well that you can't just pull them out but I felt like I couldn't do anymore. Then the next contraction started. I pushed the rest of her out. My husband caught her, and handed her to me. She was perfect! She didn't breathe right away but the cord was still connected. I got worried. Ok I got very worried but everyone else told me it was fine. Kaleem checked her heart rate, and breathing and she was fine. She didn't cry. She was so comfortable in my arms. The only time she cried is when I moved her to put more of her body in the water. She was in my arms and quite content.

We moved to the bed, and she nursed right away. First try she got a good latch and just looked around while she nursed. Daddy with the help of the children cut the cord. After she was done nursing, the midwives checked her out. 8 lb 2 oz. and 20 1/2 inches long and beautiful! The children helped get her diapered and dressed. At that point I realized I forgot to get the diapers out and the baby's clothes ready. But they all figured it out. Clean up was done, children all got to hold the baby. Family pictures taken. Then mommy and baby got to snuggle up and go to sleep.

I can't imagine having a baby any other way than in the tub, and being able to go to bed with my newborn after the birth in my own bed.

By the time she was 5 weeks old she weighed 12 lbs! She is a happy baby that loves to laugh and play with her siblings. The rest of the children are so happy that she is here. They all love to talk about her birth, and tell her about it all the time. Our family can not imagine life with out our Baby Bekah.